The Non-spurious Correlation Between Sentence Length and Penis Size

one advice to writers with that genital type

Allû friends,

Felix’s here. Today I want to talk about one vicious piece of writing advice floating around the internet. Writer shorter sentences, they say. I tend to disagree with this notion, for it has no scientific and philosophical background, no empirical proofs, no strong common sense backbone – nothing. It’s just one of the nonsensical beliefs undistinguishable herd of narcotised clones with bushy dicks adopted under the reign of Twitter dorks. Pardon the rant above, but I am indeed fed up with that advice.

Allow me to elaborate…

Photo by Mike Dorner on Unsplash

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[Epistemic status — speculative.]

First of all, read this:

Early in the nineteenth century, when there were as yet no railways or macadamized roads, no gaslight, no stearine candles, no low couches with sprung cushions, no unvarnished furniture, no disillusioned youths with eye glasses, no liberalizing women philosophers, nor any charming dames aux camelias of whom there are so many in our times, in those naive days, when leaving Moscow for Petersburg in a coach or carriage provided with a kitchenful of home-made provisions one traveled for eight days along a soft, dusty or muddy road and believed in chopped cutlets, sledge-bells, and plain rolls; when in the long autumn evenings the tallow candles, around which family groups of twenty or thirty people gathered, had to be snuffed; when ball-rooms were illuminated by candelabra with wax or spermaceti candles, when furniture was arranged symmetrically, when our fathers were still young and proved it not only by the absence of wrinkles and grey hair but by fighting duels for the sake of a woman and rushing from the opposite corner of a room to pick up a bit of handkerchief purposely or accidentally dropped; when our mothers wore short-waisted dresses and enormous sleeves and decided family affairs by drawing lots, when the charming dames aux camelias hid from the light of day - in those naïve days of Masonic lodges, Martinists, and Tugenbunds, the days of Miloradoviches and Davydovs and Pushkins - a meeting of landed proprietors was held in the Government town of K--, and the nobility elections were being concluded.

252 words! This is evidently a single sentence, long and beautifully composed, full of details on setting and time, context and perhaps characters that above appear in this story. Apart from being a single sentence, this is also the first sentence, the very beginning of Leo Tolstoy’s story Two Hussars. For context, Tolstoy had thirteen kids. Thirteen!

Now, a bit of data. A few weeks ago, I put out a quiz on Reddit with two simple questions. I asked writers to send examples of their prose with their genital pictures alongside a measuring tape, so I could collect data on both variables we’re interested in here: sentence length and penis size.

The results were surprising, undeniably. Here’s a scatter plot of measurement results I made for you, not the raw data of course, but feel free to send me an e-mail if you want the original data.

Looks at that writer on the top-right corner! Impressive, huh?

So, the result and hence the advice is…

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WRITE LONGER SENTENCES

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Will it help? Who knows, we shall see. At least when I’m writing a long sentence, I feel like that happens sometimes.

Universum vobiscum,

Yours and no one’s,

Felix Futzbucker